he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
