I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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