my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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