That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
