My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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