you're like a bully in the Christmas story
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
