if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
