hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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