he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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