another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
