I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize