Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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