Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
