The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize