i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
