i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
