You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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