I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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