Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize