I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
