you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
