Porn is love you can see.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
