True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
