I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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