my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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