that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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