i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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