i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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