Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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