the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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