Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you are never too drunk for berry picking
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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