Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Enjoy the penises
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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