you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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