turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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