If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
