I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
