just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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