standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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