My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
