Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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