she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
