I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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