the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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