my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize