he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
