Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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