My liver just broke up with me...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
