It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
