Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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