Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
