Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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