omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
