My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
