Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
