I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
