We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
