My hand turned me down
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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