I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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