My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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