Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
