i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize