You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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