her facebook's as public as her vagina
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
