she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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