Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
