I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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