i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
