My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
