There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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