so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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