I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
