My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize