i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
