Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
