Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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