Your face is a jimmy john
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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