Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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