U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
