just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
