Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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