I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
