"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize